New Year’s Day (Part 4)

New Year’s Day (Part 4)

When leaving, I run over a rough curb and tear up the U-haul’s trailer hitch—though I won’t realize this until I am on the highway, dragging our car trailer at sixty mile- an-hour by the safety chains. I was f-cking standing on the gas pedal wondering why it wouldn’t accelerate. The sight in my rear [...]

Ketch-ing up to reality

Ketch-ing up to reality

Last week I finished writing the addresses on our Save-the-Dates. But unbeknownst to my future bride, I left them in the car for a few days under an old McDonald’s bag. After eventually finding my way to the post office and unearthing them from the greasy rubble, I discovered that a few opened ketchup packets had stained [...]

New Year’s Day (Part 3)

New Year’s Day (Part 3)

Her family is arguing about religion. As I am not catholic, I’ve always been considered a heathen. True enough. But I know the seventh commandment. Thou shall not steal. And I tell them, which makes them all look really lame. Instead, they choose not to believe me. We are playing monopoly and her maid of [...]

Giving thanks to the football gods

Giving thanks to the football gods

Memo to guys who recently got engaged this winter: Go to church, drop to your knees and thank God that the NFL labor dispute was resolved! As we reflect on a season that saw a 9-7 team ruin Tom Brady’s quest for a fourth Super Bowl ring, we need to remember a scarier time when we once [...]

New Years Day (Part 2)

New Years Day (Part 2)

Right after we get back together, the stripper calls again. She’s not my student now, she says. It isn’t wrong now, she says. New Years Eve. I drive sixteen hours to be with her for the holiday, only she has just come through knee surgery. She’s doped up. She doesn’t know I’m here. I spend [...]

Beef: It’s What’s For Dinner

Beef: It’s What’s For Dinner

My fiancé and I have decided not to live together until we are married, both due to religious beliefs and to personal preferences. I hear people say all the time this is a horrible mistake. “What if he is a total slob?” “What if he hogs the bed?” Honestly, there is only one thing that [...]

Against my will

Against my will

  It’s a good thing the sagacious scribes at wedache.com are allowed to pen their work under the cloak of anonymity. Some of these posts would bring great embarrassment to our communities and shame our fathers into witness protection. With this noted, it’s with great ignominy that I make a painful admission: I was raped by [...]

Can’t contain his ‘excitement’

Can’t contain his ‘excitement’

Contestants at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest annually cram 50-plus franks down their throats as they strive to win the bejeweled Mustard Belt. They work feverishly like lumberjacks feeding a wood-chipper. Through it all, they somehow manage to keep each link down without emitting more than a modest belch. Grooms at the altar are a [...]

New Year’s Day (Part 1)

New Year’s Day (Part 1)

On one of our first dates, she tells me that she thinks it is her right to have an affair—you know—if she wants to. And it wouldn’t really be any of her husband’s business. It may have been the same date when she asked me how many people I have slept with. What the hell, [...]

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