Bitter Groom

Game-day conversations

Game-day conversations

You get to choose your wife, but you don’t get to choose your mother-in-law. This truism reared its ugly head last fall as I sat in front of the tube watching football. It started with coughs – scratch that – saliva-soaked shotgun blasts that were forcefully discharged into my personal airspace. Then came the nonsensical stories [...]

Punch drunk love

Punch drunk love

Men visit wedache.com to temporarily alleviate the migraine that is their marriage.  Pretty sure the owners of the site would pay a king’s ransom (or $100) to hear about this guy’s wedache. Sharing anecdotes about the dynamic of this family relationship (particularly the story about how his wife accidentally “fell” before the photo was taken) would probably give him [...]

RING-ing up a small fortune

RING-ing up a small fortune

Women care about being married, but not nearly as much as one would imagine. It’s actually the wedding ceremony and the engagement ring/bling that take precedence over EVERYTHING. To your future wife, the latter is the most important purchase you’ll ever make. After failed attempts at selling my girlfriend on the majestic beauty of cubic [...]

Spend $2,000 on a wedding video, and waste it all

Spend $2,000 on a wedding video, and waste it all

You know those awesome, YouTube-worthy moments that have made celebrities out of nobodies? Those can happen at your wedding. But they’ll happen when the video camera’s not recording. They’ll happen after your cheap-ass decides enough is enough. Of course, many of the typical wedding moments caught on video are priceless: the beautiful bride walking down [...]

New set of rules

New set of rules

Memo to all guys considering marriage: The rules for living change dramatically upon return-arrival from your honeymoon. It’s a harrowing phenomenon, the kind that strangles you the very nanosecond you de-board the plane and head for baggage claim. What rules, you naively ask? EVERY. SINGLE. ONE.  Eating Say goodbye to Budweiser and bratwurst. Say hello [...]

Surviving the ‘C-word’

Surviving the ‘C-word’

When it comes to anger, Donald Duck doesn’t have shit on my fiancé. That irascible, bare-assed water fowl would muster a way to fly to the moon if it ever got on her bad side. It’s then when my fiancé’s delicate, China-doll skin morphs green and she begins to bulge out of her Ann Taylor dress. Of [...]

Weight-ing to exhale

Weight-ing to exhale

During courtship, women strive to maintain their svelte frames as they dream about snagging their own Prince Charming. They have to out of fear that guys will consider roaming skinnier pastures. But once that wedding ring slides onto their finger, a startling transformation takes place. Women of smaller stature morph into an army of Snookis. [...]

Icelandic lore provides lessons on love, marriage (Part 1)

Icelandic lore provides lessons on love, marriage (Part 1)

I think we can all agree, as reasonable men, that the Icelandic sagas are the greatest literature ever produced by Western civilization.  What’s that, you say?  You’ve never read any Icelandic sagas? Hang your head in shame, you god-damned heathen! All right, you ignorant savages, a brief history lesson: Iceland was settled by colonists from [...]

Icelandic lore provides lessons on love, marriage (Part 2)

Icelandic lore provides lessons on love, marriage (Part 2)

For God’s sake, be careful about seating arrangements.  It’s an often-overlooked part of the wedding arrangements.  Even the most enthusiastic Bridezilla can get so wrapped up in flower arrangements, cake frosting and other completely boring nonsense that she can overlook one of the cardinal rules of wedding planning: be careful where you have people plant [...]

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